Feel it All

I've read that in so many contexts - feel it all, and it'll go away.

Feel it all, and you'll be free.

Sit with it and everything is gonna be ok.

Sit with it.

Sit with it.

As if "feeling" was the way to become a better, happier person.

I've read it, but I couldn't really understand. Feeling all what?

My feelings came with so much pain. Every time I was feeling something, my mind started spinning. Making up stories about WHY I'm in pain (or preventing me to feel pleasure). WHY, and WHO. WHO is responsible for it. Myself, most of the time. Others, obviously. The WHY came with a perfect, deep and sometimes super reasonable reason.

There MUST be a WHY. A WHO. A villain. A big scheme. Something.

So much energy spent in trying to NOT feel, and to UNDERSTAND WHY. Why I was not feeling. Why I was hurting.

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until I got it.

I couldn't feel my own pain.

By pain, I mean, the distress that comes with powerlessness, with injustice, with having no control, with loving so hard, with 0rg3sm, with deep surrendering.

The deep discomfort of fear. Fear of being alone, abandoned, hurt. FEAR OF PAIN.

Fear of anger. Oh, I know that one so hard. Fear of RAGE, such a deep rage that it would destroy everything (me included) - the rage I never let myself feel fully even though I had ALL reasons to be angry.

Oh the painful rage, that burns from the inside, that tries to find it way out and wants to erupt, oh KALI.

(((btw, that kind of anger is an expression of the Feminine tmho, discuss that)))

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In terms of survival, pain has a role of preventing risky experiences.

In order to survive, some of us created a system to NOT feel pain - because we can actually die out of pain.

To not FEEL. Period.

For some of us, it was, indeed, a matter of survival.

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But most of the time, the danger isn't there anymore. Most of the time, the emotions we feel won't kill us.

It's just a ghost. A very, real, deeply programmed, ghost.

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But still, our system is limiting what we can actually feel.

With feeling less pain, we also feel less pleasure. With less sadness and grief, we feel less joy. And so on.

...

As I rehabilitate my nervous system to FEEL (more pleasure), I also FEEL MORE (pain, anger, sadness, grief, shame, rage...). With one comes the other, and the other way around.

Not feeling prevents me to be in the present moment.

Not feeling creates more disconnection, and (yes...) more pain.

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When I let myself FEEL - without stories, without blame, without doing anything about it - something magical happens.

There is less drama. There is less past, and future. There is less thoughts.

There is less pain.

And guess what. I even find pleasure in my rage. I find some sort of comfort in the deepest grief. I meet fear with curiosity.

And I certainly feel more power. More life. More joy.

Because no one can hurt me.

I have felt it all. And I'm not dead.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

I've felt it all. And I'm more alive than ever.

I am invincible.